I share all that, because the change I saw in them stirred something inside of me. I had reached a point where I often felt that life was hopeless… not all areas, but definitely some areas of my life seemed to be hopeless. I knew I could never measure up to what God wanted me to be. I made the same mistakes over and over again, to the point that I often felt that there was no use even trying.
I felt this even though I knew that Jesus died for me and paid for my sins… even though I knew that God loved me more than I could imagine… even though I knew I was going to heaven when I died. I still felt hopeless about living this life on earth the way I thought I was supposed to… the “day to day grind.” Like Stacie Orrico’s song says, “There’s gotta be more to life, than wanting more.”
Sometime in 2001 I had a dream that I believe God sent me. In it, I saw Jesus. He didn’t say anything, but He reached across the table, touched my hand, looked into my eyes, and smiled… and the love in His eyes was beyond anything I had ever imagined. I felt the touch of His hand for days, and felt that love surround me. It drew me and called to me in a way that is hard to describe.
As another year went by, I grew desperate enough that I told God over and over again that I was willing for Him to do anything at all… whatever it took to change my life. I knew that no matter what I would have to give up… it was nothing compared to what I was already missing. I didn’t even really know what it was, but I knew that it could only be found in Jesus.
“God is love.”
– 1 John 4:8