Messy me, redeemed…

Why is it sometimes hard to cling to the truth? When days have gone by and I keep getting lost, over and over again…when I read my Bible but I’m so mentally distracted that I can’t hear Him among the chaos…when even finding the quiet seems impossible…

In times like this (like this month so far), I find myself repeatedly falling on my face before God, confessing that I’m a mess…that I feel like I keep ignoring Him, though I don’t know when I am because it’s not being done consciously.

And then He whispers that I am precious. That I am not a mess, for He has already redeemed me and sanctified me and justified and glorified me.

How is it possible that this very messy me is glorified? I certainly don’t feel glorified. And yet, I think it is the height of foolishness to think that the feelings of one messy human are more reliable than the eternal decrees of the One who sees all and knows all and created all.

And so, He showed me this morning that all these mornings I’ve been begging Him to fix me, I’ve been asking and looking for the wrong thing.

For “fixing” is not what I need. Not anymore.

What I need is what He gave me this morning…the reminder-revelation that I am not what I feel like I am. I am not defined by my mistakes. This messiness that I see in myself…it is nothing more than the reminder of what I have been saved from, what He has redeemed, and what He no longer sees, even when I keep trying to shove it in His face.

I am already “fixed” in Him.

I am beautiful in His sight because my heart is not content with the sinful me, and because I long for His dwelling places.

And when I asked Him to bring me back to the joy of my salvation, His way of doing that was not to bring me back to the point of hearing Him clearly and being filled with joy and peace and being productive. His way was to whisper truth to my spirit…that what I feel like and what I’m doing have absolutely nothing to do with the woman He sees in Christ. Resting in this reality, even when it does not feel like a reality, is what walking by faith instead of sight is all about.

And now that He has granted me the grace to rest in this truth again…how miraculous is the peace and joy that are washing over me!

I wonder how many more times I will have to go through this before I learn to rebuke these attacks for what they really are, rather than to cave and fight myself over things I’ve already been redeemed from…